How You Can Set Clear Boundaries Without Guilt or Shame
What Healthy Boundaries Are
In a perfect world, setting boundaries is an easy thing.
We can freely express what works for us and what doesn’t. We can say yes, and we can say no with ease and clarity.
Boundaries are a way for us to respect and honor ourselves. To stand for what we need, to care for our own energy.
They are a way to stay connected with people while advocating for what is important to us.
The truth is that no one is coming to save us. We have to be the ones using our voice to express what we need.
The main reason we don’t set them is because of our beliefs about what setting a boundary means.
What Are Your Beliefs About Boundaries?
If we grew up in an environment where boundaries were not cleanly set, or where there were negative consequences to setting them, we tend to remember that it was something wrong to do.
Having experienced, for example, that setting boundaries brought conflict, a loss of connection or was judged as selfish, we tend to internalize these beliefs.
So, the first step is to explore: what are your beliefs about boundaries? How was it for you when you were growing up?
Was it shameful, or made you feel guilty?
Notice the memories and the feelings that come up.
Healing Your Beliefs
In my 1:1 practice with clients, I guide them in a Somatic Journey to explore these memories and experiences.
When we want to heal our relationship with setting boundaries, it’s important to notice the sensations and emotions arising in our body when we think about setting them. It allows us to realize if there is fear, sadness, or anger, for example.
Meeting and releasing this pain is what allows us to create a new set of beliefs that is healthier.
When we heal our past experiences with boundaries, we become able to set them in a way that is grounded and easeful.
Setting Clean Boundaries
When we set clean boundaries, we are expressing what we need. For example :
I need to not be disturbed for the next 15 minutes
I’m not available to listen right now
I can’t come to meet you at that time
When we express those boundaries, we are sharing what we need to take care of ourselves, to ensure our energy is nourished and our needs are expressed.
When we say it, it should feel grounded in our body. Calm and steady.
Saying it like a fact, something that is almost neutral.
There’s no intense charge to it or resentment. It’s expressed as a simple fact that calls for respect.
If you desire to go deeper into your own healing and setting boundaries, I invite you to explore a 1:1 Feminine Somatic Coaching that can be held in person in Toronto or online.
